Jokes (Please Keep Them Clean)

[AndyL]

This lady asks her brother to watch her cat, because she had to go away for a few days.  A day later, the cat died.  The woman calls her brother to find out how everything is.  The man says right out the cat died.

"That's awful!  How can you just come right out and say that?"  The woman cried."  Couldn't you have eased me into this by first saying'The cat's on the roof and we can't get it down?'  Then, when I called again you could say tthat 'The cat jumped off the roof, but is badly injured', THEN you can tell me about the cat dying.  It would have been easier to take.  You should be more sensitive about breaking bad news!"

"You're right," her brother answered."I'll remember next time"

"OK," said the lady."Tell me what else is new?  How's grandma?"

The man thought for a moment, then answered, "Grandma's on the roof and we can't get her down."

[OrchestraRicki]

Did you know that Elmer Fudd and Foghorn Leghorn live in this city in Ohio?  Believe it or not, it is Wooster!

Hector Manuel Torres Jr.

[Factory Head Noland]

By Woody Allen:

"I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia."

[Tree]

Tommy Lasorda has a dream he dies and goes to Heaven.  He sees some of the greatest baseball players, so he forms a team.

One day, the phone rings.  It’s the devil.  He says to Tommy, “I have a team that can beat yours.”

Tommy says “Are you crazy?  I have all the great players up here!”

To which the devil says, “Yeah, but I have all the umpires down here!!!”

[Factory Head Noland]

Q: What did the boy centipede say to the girl centipede when they got married?

A: Give me your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

[jzion12345]

A guy walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!"

[Hag]

What did the pencil say to the piece of paper?

I dot my i's on you.

[PriceFanArmadillo]

Vince Young and David Garrard are going to the Pro Bowl.

I really can't top that one.

[jzion12345]

Another guy walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!"

[PatrickRox80]

"Knock-Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Ach"
"Ach who?"
"Gesundheit!"

[jzion12345]

A third guy ducks.

[Ccook]

Q. What do you call a traffic accident report between two upscale neighborhood housewives?

A. A "Saab" story.

[voguevixen]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[nowhammies11]

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.

If a dog has no nose, how does it smell?
Terrible.

I was walking on the beach one day, and I asked myself, "Why does that Frisbee keep getting bigger?"  Then it hit me.

[voguevixen]

What do you know about three elephants walking down the street in purple sweatshirts?

They're all on the same team.